TL;DR:
- Domestic violence involves behaviors used to maintain power and control in close relationships. Legal resources and protective measures are available, but recognizing various abuse types and the cycle of violence is crucial for safety.
Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors — physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or technological — used by one person to gain or maintain power and control over another in a close relationship. If you or a child are in immediate danger right now, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224) and offers confidential online chat at thehotline.org for those who cannot safely make a call.
The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic violence as any behaviors that “intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone” within an intimate partner relationship. Critically, the federal definition under VAWA covers not just physical and sexual acts but also verbal, psychological, economic, and technological abuse — whether or not those acts rise to the level of a criminal offense.
- If you are in immediate danger: Call 911. Do not wait to document anything first.
- If you are safe but need help: Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or chat online at thehotline.org.
- Preserve evidence when it is safe to do so: Screenshot threatening texts, photograph injuries, and seek medical attention so injuries are documented in a medical record.
- Seek legal counsel early: An attorney can help you obtain an emergency protective order before a situation escalates further.
Table of Contents
- What types of behavior qualify as domestic violence?
- Why domestic violence is a pattern of power and control, not a single fight
- How U.S. law defines domestic violence: criminal charges vs. civil remedies
- What are the warning signs of domestic violence?
- What immediate steps can survivors take to get help?
- Common myths about domestic violence that delay help
- Key Takeaways
- A practitioner’s perspective on when to call a lawyer
- How Narolaw helps New Hampshire residents facing domestic violence
- Useful sources and further reading
What types of behavior qualify as domestic violence?
Domestic abuse covers a wider range of conduct than most people realize. Practitioners distinguish “domestic violence” (which emphasizes physical force) from “domestic abuse” (the broader umbrella that includes non-physical coercive behaviors), but both terms describe conduct that defines an abusive relationship. Understanding the full range of types of domestic abuse helps you recognize what is happening — even when no one has been hit.
- Physical abuse: Hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, restraining, or using weapons. Example: a partner grabs your arm hard enough to leave bruises when you try to leave the room.
- Sexual abuse: Any unwanted sexual contact, coercion into sexual acts, or reproductive sabotage. Example: a spouse pressures you into sex after an argument by threatening to take the children.
- Emotional and psychological abuse: Constant criticism, humiliation, threats, gaslighting, and isolation. Example: a partner insists an argument you clearly remember “never happened” until you doubt your own memory.
- Economic and financial abuse: Controlling access to money, sabotaging employment, running up debt in your name, or withholding basic necessities. Example: a partner deposits your paycheck into an account only they can access.
- Technological and digital abuse: Installing tracking apps without consent, monitoring texts and email, sharing intimate images without permission, or using smart-home devices to surveil or harass. Example: a partner checks your location every hour through a shared app and demands explanations for any deviation.
- Reproductive coercion: Sabotaging contraception, pressuring a partner to continue or terminate a pregnancy, or withholding prenatal care access.
- Spiritual abuse: Using religious beliefs to justify control, forbidding worship, or weaponizing faith communities against a survivor.
- Stalking and coercive isolation: Following, monitoring, or repeatedly contacting someone to create fear; cutting off contact with friends and family to increase dependency.
Emotional, financial, and technological manipulation can be as damaging as physical violence and are frequently minimized by survivors or dismissed as normal relationship friction. Abuse types rarely appear in isolation. A partner who controls finances often uses emotional abuse to reinforce that control, and documenting both patterns together strengthens any future legal claim. Keep a private log with dates, times, and specific incidents for each type you experience.
Pro Tip: If multiple forms of abuse are occurring simultaneously, document each type separately with its own date, time, and description. Courts and advocates find pattern evidence far more persuasive than a single incident report.
Why domestic violence is a pattern of power and control, not a single fight
The single most important concept in understanding what constitutes domestic violence is this: abuse is a systemic strategy, not a bad night. Abuse is a sustained pattern of power and control rather than a single event, and recognizing that pattern is what separates a relationship with conflict from one with abuse.
The Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs in Duluth, Minnesota, maps the tactics abusers use to maintain dominance. Those tactics include:
- Intimidation: Smashing objects, displaying weapons, using threatening looks or gestures.
- Emotional abuse: Putting the victim down, making them feel worthless, calling them names.
- Isolation: Controlling who the victim sees, where they go, and what they read or watch.
- Minimizing, denying, and blaming: Saying the abuse did not happen, that it was not serious, or that the victim caused it.
- Using children: Making the victim feel guilty about the children, using visitation to harass, threatening to take custody.
- Economic control: Preventing employment, demanding financial accounting, giving an “allowance.”
- Coercion and threats: Threatening to leave, to report the victim to authorities, or to harm themselves.
- Male privilege (in heterosexual contexts): Treating the victim as a servant, making all major decisions unilaterally.
The cycle of abuse typically moves through four phases: tension-building (minor incidents, the victim “walking on eggshells”), an acute incident (the abusive act), reconciliation (apologies, gifts, promises to change), and a calm period that gradually shortens as the cycle repeats. Over time, the calm phase shrinks and the incidents intensify. A survivor who says “it only happened once” may be in the tension-building phase of a cycle that has not yet escalated to its most dangerous point.
Pro Tip: If you recognize the cycle but are unsure whether your situation qualifies legally, a single consultation with a family law attorney can clarify your options without committing you to any course of action.
How U.S. law defines domestic violence: criminal charges vs. civil remedies
What defines domestic violence under U.S. law depends on whether you are in criminal court or civil court — and on which state you are in. The distinction matters because it determines what relief you can obtain and what standard of proof applies.
Criminal vs. civil domestic violence law
Under federal law, 34 U.S.C. § 12291 defines domestic violence to include felony or misdemeanor crimes committed by a current or former spouse, intimate partner, cohabitant, or co-parent, as well as patterns of coercive behavior — verbal, psychological, economic, or technological — that may or may not constitute criminal conduct. Criminally, domestic violence is prosecuted as assault, battery, sexual assault, criminal threatening, or stalking, depending on the act. Civilly, the term “abuse” is used to obtain protective orders, and the threshold is lower: a credible threat to safety, not necessarily a completed crime.
Who qualifies as a protected person
Under federal VAWA definitions and most state statutes, protected persons include:
- Current or former spouses
- Current or former intimate partners (including dating relationships)
- Cohabitants or former cohabitants
- Persons who share a child in common
- Any person protected under the domestic or family violence laws of the relevant jurisdiction
New Hampshire specifics
New Hampshire addresses domestic violence through two primary statutes. RSA 173-B:1 defines “abuse” for civil protective-order purposes as the commission or attempted commission of specific acts — including assault, criminal threatening, sexual assault, interference with freedom, destruction of property, unauthorized entry, harassment, and cruelty to animals — by a family or household member or current or former intimate partner, where that conduct constitutes a credible present threat to the petitioner’s safety.
RSA 631:2-b governs criminal domestic violence charges and explicitly includes blocking a victim’s access to a phone or electronic device to prevent them from reporting an emergency. That provision means digital control — cutting off communication — can itself be a criminal act in New Hampshire.
For protective orders, NH courts may consider past acts regardless of how long ago they occurred, provided they combine with recent conduct to show an ongoing pattern that causes the petitioner to reasonably fear for their safety. Prior reconciliation does not bar a new protective order.
Protective order process and typical timeline
| Step | Description | Typical Timeframe |
|---|---|---|
| Ex parte emergency order | Filed without the other party present; judge reviews same day or next business day | Same day to 24 hours |
| Service on respondent | Law enforcement serves the order on the respondent | 1–5 days |
| Full hearing | Both parties appear; petitioner presents evidence of abuse pattern | — |
| Final protective order | If granted, typically lasts up to one year; renewable | Issued at hearing |
| Enforcement | Violations reported to police; criminal charges possible | Ongoing |
Filing fees for protective orders in New Hampshire are waived for domestic violence petitioners. Contested civil cases involving custody and support modifications can extend over several months and involve attorney fees that vary by complexity. Consulting NH domestic violence law resources early helps you understand what to expect at each stage.
What are the warning signs of domestic violence?
Recognizing the signs of domestic violence is often harder than it sounds. Physical injuries are visible; coercive control is not. Survivors frequently do not identify their experience as abuse when there is no physical violence, which is precisely why legal advocates recommend documenting emotional, financial, and technological control as early evidence.
Physical and behavioral red flags
- Unexplained or recurring injuries with inconsistent explanations
- Wearing clothing that conceals bruises (long sleeves in summer, heavy makeup)
- Flinching at sudden movements or sounds
- Sudden withdrawal from friends, family, or activities they previously enjoyed
- A partner who insists on accompanying them everywhere or monitors their phone
Emotional and psychological red flags
- Extreme anxiety about a partner’s reaction to ordinary decisions
- Apologizing for a partner’s behavior in social settings
- Describing themselves as “clumsy” or “forgetful” in ways that explain injuries or memory gaps
- Expressing fear of going home or making a partner angry
Digital and technological red flags
- A partner who demands passwords to all accounts
- GPS tracking apps installed on a phone without the person’s knowledge
- Constant texts or calls demanding to know their location
- Harassment via social media, email, or messaging apps after separation
Children living in a home with domestic violence are directly affected even when they are not the target. Exposure to abuse is associated with lasting behavioral, emotional, and developmental consequences, and courts in New Hampshire and across the U.S. treat a child’s exposure to domestic violence as a factor in custody determinations.
Pro Tip: If you are concerned about a friend or family member, avoid confronting the abusive partner directly. Instead, find a private moment to ask open-ended questions (“How are things at home?”) and share the National Domestic Violence Hotline number without pressure. Your role is to open a door, not to force a decision.
What immediate steps can survivors take to get help?
Safety comes first. Every other step — evidence collection, legal filings, shelter — follows from being physically safe. Here is a practical sequence for survivors who are ready to act.
- Call 911 if you are in immediate danger. Police can remove an abuser from the home and connect you with local victim advocates on the scene.
- Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org chat) for confidential safety planning, shelter referrals, and legal resource information.
- Preserve evidence while it is safe to do so. Screenshot threatening messages, photograph injuries, save voicemails, and write down dates, times, and what was said or done. Medical records from any treatment you seek also serve as documentation.
- Create a safety plan. Identify a safe place to go, keep important documents (ID, Social Security card, financial records) accessible or stored with a trusted person, and memorize key phone numbers in case your phone is taken.
- File for an emergency protective order. In New Hampshire, you can file at the local circuit court during business hours or through law enforcement after hours. The ex parte order can be granted the same day and prohibits the abuser from contacting or approaching you.
- Attend the full hearing. Bring all documented evidence — printed screenshots, a written incident log, medical records, and witness names. The court will hear both sides and decide whether to issue a final protective order.
- Consult a family law attorney. Early legal counsel helps survivors secure civil protective remedies before situations escalate, and an attorney can advise on custody, support, and criminal reporting simultaneously.
Pro Tip: Store copies of critical documents and your incident log with someone you trust, or in a secure cloud account the abuser does not know about. Never store sensitive records on a shared device or a device the abuser has access to.
For New Hampshire residents, Narolaw’s domestic violence victim’s guide walks through the protective order process step by step, including what to bring to court and how to request emergency relief after hours.
Common myths about domestic violence that delay help
Harmful myths about what constitutes domestic violence cause survivors to minimize their experience and delay seeking help. Correcting them directly is one of the most practical things this article can do.
Myth: It is only domestic violence if someone gets hit.
Fact: Violence and abuse are not the same thing. Coercive control, financial abuse, and psychological manipulation are recognized forms of domestic abuse under federal law and most state statutes, whether or not any physical contact occurs.Myth: One bad incident does not make someone an abuser.
Fact: A single incident may be part of a longer pattern that has not yet been recognized. Courts look at the totality of conduct, and past acts can be considered alongside recent behavior when evaluating protective order petitions.Myth: If both partners fight, it is mutual abuse.
Fact: Courts and advocates distinguish between mutual conflict and one-sided domestic violence by examining who holds power and control in the relationship. A survivor who pushes back in self-defense is not an equal aggressor. Mutual protective orders are disfavored in many jurisdictions precisely because they obscure this distinction.Myth: Leaving ends the abuse.
Fact: Separation is statistically one of the most dangerous periods for survivors. Safety planning before leaving is critical, and a protective order should be in place before or immediately after departure.Myth: Domestic violence only happens in certain communities.
Fact: Abuse occurs across all income levels, ethnicities, religions, and sexual orientations. Cultural stigma and shame delay help-seeking in many communities, but the legal protections available apply regardless of background.
The “3 R’s” framework used in public health and prevention messaging — Recognize, Respond, Refer — reflects the same sequence this article follows: recognize the signs, respond with safety steps, and refer to professional resources. Knowing the myths that block step one is where that process has to start.
Key Takeaways
Domestic violence is defined by a pattern of power and control — physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or technological — not by any single incident, and U.S. law provides both criminal and civil remedies for survivors.
| Point | Details |
|---|---|
| Pattern, not a single event | Domestic violence is a sustained strategy of control; courts consider past conduct alongside recent behavior. |
| Non-physical abuse counts | Emotional, financial, and technological abuse qualify under federal VAWA definitions and most state statutes. |
| Two legal tracks exist | Criminal charges and civil protective orders are separate remedies; you may pursue both simultaneously. |
| NH-specific protections | RSA 173-B:1 and RSA 631:2-b cover a broad range of conduct, including blocking access to communication devices. |
| Narolaw can help | New Hampshire residents can consult Narolaw for protective orders, custody concerns, and criminal defense representation. |
This article provides general legal information, not legal advice. Laws vary by jurisdiction and individual circumstances differ. Consult a qualified attorney or your local court for guidance specific to your situation.
A practitioner’s perspective on when to call a lawyer
The question I hear most often is some version of: “Is what’s happening to me bad enough to get a lawyer involved?” My honest answer is that if you are asking that question, the answer is almost certainly yes.
From a legal standpoint, the right time to consult an attorney is before you feel certain you need one. By the time a situation has escalated to repeated physical violence or criminal charges, options that were available earlier — like an uncontested ex parte order or a negotiated custody arrangement — may be harder to secure. Early consultation does not commit you to filing anything. It gives you a clear picture of what the law in your state covers, what evidence you already have, and what steps would protect you most effectively.
When you come in for a first consultation, bring whatever documentation you have: screenshots of threatening messages, a written timeline of incidents, any prior police reports, and records of medical treatment. An attorney will evaluate whether your situation meets the statutory definition of abuse for protective-order purposes, whether criminal reporting is appropriate, and how domestic violence allegations might affect pending or future custody proceedings. Those three questions are almost always interconnected, and addressing them together from the start produces better outcomes than handling each one separately after the fact.
Narolaw focuses its practice on New Hampshire family law and criminal defense, including domestic violence protective orders, and offers free initial consultations for residents across the state. If you are responding to allegations rather than seeking protection, Narolaw also handles defense-side representation in domestic violence matters.
How Narolaw helps New Hampshire residents facing domestic violence
Narolaw offers New Hampshire residents something specific: a single firm that handles protective orders, related custody and support matters, and criminal defense under one roof. For survivors, that means you do not have to coordinate between a family law attorney and a criminal defense attorney when both issues arise from the same situation, which they often do.
The firm’s services in this area include filing for emergency and final protective orders, advising on evidence collection and preservation, representing clients at full protective order hearings, and handling custody modifications where domestic violence is a factor. For those facing allegations, Narolaw provides defense-side counsel from the initial charge through resolution.
The first step is a free consultation. You can reach Narolaw through the domestic violence services page or by reviewing the firm’s broader family law services in New Hampshire to understand how protective order matters connect to divorce and custody proceedings. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 first. Web contact is not monitored in real time and is not a substitute for emergency services.
Useful sources and further reading
The sources below are the primary authorities cited in this article. Each is briefly described so you can find the most relevant resource for your situation.
| Source | What it covers |
|---|---|
| DOJ Office on Violence Against Women | Federal definition of domestic violence; overview of VAWA-funded programs and covered conduct |
| 34 U.S.C. § 12291 (VAWA statutory text) | Full federal statutory definition including coercive control, economic, and technological abuse |
| LII / Legal Information Institute — Domestic Violence | Plain-language overview of federal and state definitions; useful starting point for jurisdictional comparison |
| NH RSA 173-B:1 (official text) | New Hampshire civil definition of “abuse” for protective-order purposes; lists covered acts |
| NH RSA 631:2-b (official text) | New Hampshire criminal domestic violence statute; includes blocking communication devices |
| WomensLaw.org — NH Protective Orders | Survivor-focused guide to NH protective order eligibility, process, and evidentiary standards |
| DomesticShelters.org — Violence vs. Abuse | Explains the distinction between physical violence and coercive abuse; supports pattern-of-control framing |
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224) — 24/7 confidential support, safety planning, and shelter referrals
- Online chat: thehotline.org — safer than a phone call if the abuser monitors call logs
- Local NH resources: Contact the NH Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence at 603-224-8893 for referrals to local shelters and legal advocates
State statutes and court procedures change. Verify current NH law through the NH General Court website or consult a licensed New Hampshire attorney for guidance specific to your circumstances.
